The only thing that will get me through the shift today is my daydreams about yesterday. Does it mean as much to me as it does to you? 

I took Wednesday and Thursday off. Simply for the reason that I wanted to recharge and that Wednesdays were hell for me. Minimum wage isn’t enough to make me endure an eight hour shift. I put away all my winter clothing and took out the spring/summer stuff. It was a lot of reorganization and my room is still slightly chaotic but I choose to ignore it and blog.

After I made and ate dinner on Thursday, I sat in the kitchen watching a rerun of 30 Rock and indulging in some after dinner truffles. I’ve had a lot of crap lately, chocolates, chips, soda, et cetera. I am definitely an emotional eater. Anyways, I was texting a few friends and when I saw his name on the screen, I stopped inhaling my food drug.

Message received at 7:31 PM –
Jack: Hey what’s up? You at home?

Insert minor panic attack here. What the fuck? I vaguely recalled that he had the afternoon shift and that he wouldn’t be done until 9:30. 

Me: Aren’t you at work?

Then it dawned on me that he worked the middday shift for the other guy so he just ended at 7:30. Slight tangent but the episode of How I Met Your Mother that accompanied my dinner was one of the earlier episodes and Robin told Ted that after a long day, the only person she wanted to see was him. 

Jack: Off now.
Me: That’s nice.
Jack: What’s up?
Me: Nothing.
Jack: I see. You alone?
Me: Yes.
Jack: I see. Till what time?
Me: Why?
Jack: Can I come? You have beer right? Haha.
Me: Sure.
Jack: But your mom and dad?
Me: Not here.
Jack: Soon?
Me: 9?
Jack: Haha it’s 8 now.
Me: Uh huh.
Jack: 30 minutes then leave. Haha.
Me: Doesn’t matter.
Jack: Why?
Me: Told you, don’t care anymore.
Jack: Don’t care what?
Me: This.
Jack: Open up.
(number) right?

We are like foolish little kids doing whatever foolish little kids do. My brain can’t come up with a proper analogy.

I was on the phone with my friend when I saw him through the opaque glass panel on the side of the door. I held the wireless handset in one hand and opened the door with the other. There he was, in a grey t-shirt with some colourful design that invoked an image of Hawaii in my head, work pants and sans his Nike cap which I thought was odd. I actually gave him a little wave. I told my friend I’d call her back and hung up.

Looking back, I think the first thing I asked was why are you here. I wanted to know. I wanted to know so many things. His response was that he didn’t want to go home. And I let him into my home.

The thing that I thought was sort of cute was that he brought in the flyers in my mailbox. It was such a natural thing. I’m probably crazy to think that it could hint at anything remotely domestic between us.

He sat in the living room while I went to the kitchen to do the dishes. I was going to do them before I was interrupted and damned if I let him ruin my agenda. I did them at my regular pace, not going any faster because of the person in the other room. Just as I was almost finished, I heard him say, “So you were off today.”

I fought back the urge to say no shit Sherlock and replied with yeah. I dried my hands and sat on the other end of the couch. The stack of flyers was in the middle seat, between us. I entertained the idea of hurling my body onto his but picked up the remote and changed the channel to The Big Bang Theory instead. Lucky for me, the episode was about sex, it wasn’t awkward at all.

I tried to pay attention to the TV while looking at various flyers. We barely said anything to each other. I felt like I was at the movies with him all over again. It wasn’t even comfortable silence. Somehow the conversation started with me complaining about work and how the manager cut my hours. He mentioned that his were cut too.

When he asked for water, I pointed that there was a box of bottled water just around the corner. Normally, I would’ve gotten it, you know, being a good host and all but I was slightly irked about all the times he disappointed me and I wasn’t gonna get off my ass.

I don’t remember what else was said but at one point, he asked what time this store near where I lived would close. I said I didn’t know and asked why he had to go there at this hour. He said to buy milk for his nephew. I really have no idea if nephew is code for son.

He noticed the plants to the side and I commented that they were dying.

A commercial for The Great Gatsby came on and I told him that I was going to watch it with Harper. It was said in such a way that he could’ve invited himself. It didn’t matter, we were all coworkers.

He only left because I said that he should go if he wanted to go to the store before it closed. I walked him to the door, said see you tomorrow and he said see you. I should’ve hugged him or in some way, indicate that I fancied him.

After he left, I noticed that my living room still smelled of his cologne. I sat in the same spot and looked at the empty seat, reflected back on what was said, what should’ve been said.

A short overview of my week thus far.

Monday: woke up, dreading that it’s another week of the same old routine. I didn’t know how I would get to Sunday. We worked together for almost an hour. We worked well but we didn’t joke, kid or crack a smile. Well, I didn’t. It felt different. I’m afraid that we can’t return to whatever we were before, that somehow it has been ruined. Either by me, by him or by both of us. The accidental contact when I passed a paper cup to him didn’t spark that electricity. The entire time, I was on cash. I chirped and greeted the customers with an energy that I didn’t know I had, I was overtly pleasant. I asked the regulars how their weekend was. I was more aware of my saccharine tone than the actual words. I knew that he was listening to everything I said. My voice was higher and perhaps shriller than usual.

I never get enough sleep on Sunday nights. Moreover, I may have been harbouring some resentment towards him since he said we’d hang out and the plan fell through. We were good on Saturday night when we texted for two hours after work.

I’m pretty sure the only words I said to him were which drinks to make. So yes, I may have been slightly unpleasant to be around.

Tuesday: Harry requested off so Jack had to come in. I wasn’t used to seeing him so many times in the week. I went about my responsibilities. But seeing him around affected my mood. I was an angry cloud of gloom because of a dumb boy.

Tangent, I adore Pauline, my cool, hip, mother of three coworker. Except when she’s all over Jack. When they converse in their native tongue, I feel left out. That’s something we’ll never have. I spent the day making coffee for Heather. I wanted to say as little as possible. I grumbled and bitched and I felt bad for her since she had to endure it. I couldn’t exactly vent to Kelly about Jack. Since Heather is the only one who knows, she gets all of my batcrap crazy.

Once again, he left me feeling disappointed and wondering why the fuck do I still give a damn.

Wednesday: I felt like myself. The reason was because Jack wasn’t working with me. Even though I was in the sandwich bar, I felt the happiest I had been all week. I joked with Heather and asked her for advice. Since she’s older, I feel like she has more wisdom to impart. She told me that he wasn’t worth it. I just came to the conclusion that he’s a shitty friend. If any of my friends pulled any of the stupid stunts he did, I’d cut them from my life. And yet, he remains. For the simple reason that I fancy him.

She asked what was so good about him.

My feeble reply was that he was nice.

She wasn’t satisfied with my answer.

I proceeded to list examples of his niceness and his character and his work ethic. Above all, I really do admire him. He didn’t win me over with his looks; he won me over with his actions. Oh and that sexy smirk. I didn’t share this part with her but I like how he made me feel. I hadn’t felt that way toward anyone in such a long time. I liked it when we talked about nothing and everything. The moments when he shared secrets with me. Secrets I’ll keep. I’ve also told him some stuff that few, if anyone else even knows. Just because I feel like it’s safe with him. I have no fear of him judging me.

I miss the times we used to text, a lot.

Thursday: I had an okay morning. When he came at 11:30, I remained unaffected. Until, he stood beside me with a clipboard and was noting how many pastries were in the front. He leaned back against the counter and I stood forward. I was in the middle of a transaction with a customer, I swiped the gift card and I don’t know what prompted me to but I punched his arm. Not too hard. The funny thing was that I looked away before I could see if he even looked.

I left at two and didn’t look back.

The best part of my day was when this really cute guy who sort of reminds me of Jack came and ordered a coffee. Except he leaned in real close, over the counter (I even got a whiff of his cologne, so fucking good) and said his order. It was during the busy hour so it was loud. I didn’t even notice him in line. He just sort of came up and I had this goofy grin on my face. He was dressed in a black polo and black pants. He looked criminally good. I batted my eyelashes and wished him a good day. Ugh, he’s so hot. I hope I see him tomorrow.